No Expectations

I feel fear when I hear someone say "No Expectations!" because I sense danger and my need for respect is not getting met. My brain translates "No Expectations!" into "Please count on disappointment due to my commitment phobias and I expect you to manage your negative feelings without any drama or revealing the unfairness of the situation."

No Expectations is not realistic. What if you told the electric company that? Or the landlord? The people who've said "No expectations!" to me have all been guys wanting to have sex without any responsibility. But what if I got pregnant? How do you say "no expectations" to a baby who is hungry? What if I catch an STD? Get the money for a doctor visit up front, just in case, and be accused of prostitution?

Like the electric company that shuts off the electricity, my emotions shut off when I hear "No Expectations!" Like the landlord, who evicts, I want people who say "No Expectations!" out of my life as I tend to judge them as irresponsible takers who are all too eager to suck others dry and smugly disappear after saying "I told you No Expectations!"

Obviously I am triggered and traumatized. I also realize that presumptions are not always realistic and it is important to communicate effectively and make sure you know what is really going on. But that is not always possible when the biological imperative is compelling double entendres and innuendos.

If you can take something that was said either way, NEVER give a "No Expectations" person the benefit of the doubt and presume they are honorable people of integrity with the highest and best intentions. For example, if they call in the middle of the night and say, "Can I come over, there is nobody else I can be with but you!" Be sure to ask, "Are you saying there is nobody you would rather be with than me? Or were you rejected by all the other women at the party that you went to without me, so now you need your wounded ego nurtured at 2 am by someone that you know you can count on, Mr. No Expectations?"

To a woman, it seems obvious that you can't have sex without being in a relationship. But not always true for men. Some of them aren't in a relationship unless they say so. And if they can get sex without saying so, they don't commit. If they can't get sex without the commitment, they might give it, but they will resent you. It can be rather shocking for a woman, who has been having sex with someone on a repeated and regular basis, to learn she isn't in a relationship with her lover.

It is important to ask the questions that you are afraid to ask up front, such as, "Are we going to be in a relationship if we start doing this, or do you just want to call me and have sex whenever you can't find someone new who is willing?"

The scary part of asking that question up front is if the person wants sex badly enough in the moment, you might end up in a relationship with someone who is a lousy lover. And then you would seem so shallow to end it immediately because you can't bear the thought of having sex on a repeated and regular basis with someone who turns you off, simple because of a relationship obligation.

Or, even worse, you could end up in relationship with someone who is good in bed, but he resents and abuses you because he didn't really want to make a commitment in order to get sex, so he is subconsciously trying to destroy the relationship and move on, so he can be with other women. Either way it's bad news. You can usually recognize guys like this because they are counting. If you ask them how many women they have been with, they will know the exact number. Commitments, slow down the talley whackers.

I say just fold the cards and run as fast as you can the minute you hear someone say, "No expectations" because it is not realistic nor respectful.

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